


Loveless, Mindless

by EgoStorm



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, so much for being on hiatus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-18 15:39:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8167150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EgoStorm/pseuds/EgoStorm
Summary: Kwon Soonyoung wanted sex, but Wen Junhui wanted to love





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure whether to rate this as M or E, so just a warning, it might be borderline E?

Kwon Soonyoung was someone Junhui always managed to spot in a crowd. Not that it was particularly difficult, seeing that he was the one rebellious platinum blond in a crowd of rule-abiding students who opted to sport naturally-colored hair, but regardless, Junhui was always drawn towards him. In the beginning, it was from pure curiosity when Soonyoung didn’t notice he had bumped into Junhui’s shoulders. As Junhui uttered a quick apology, not quite received, Soonyoung was whispering mysterious words to someone Junhui didn’t recognize. The unknown boy chuckled as a light pink flushed his face. It was then that Junhui started consciously watching Soonyoung whenever he came into his field of vision.

 

It didn’t take long for Junhui to understand just how popular Soonyoung was, and it almost seemed like a wonder that he didn’t realize it until then. Something that came with watching the blond pass by was slowly becoming aware of just how many pairs of eyes were following the small frame. It was easy distinguishing the different gazes apart. Some were watching Soonyoung just because his bright hair had caught their attention. Some sneered at that same blond hair. Some watched him in a gaze that couldn’t quite be differentiated from admiration or desire. Others watched him carefully, as if he were a walking mine that they had to watch their step around, and that there was an unpredictable danger about him. Junhui wondered how he looked at Soonyoung. Did he fit into one of these categories, or was he one in his own? He wondered, but he hesitated in seeking an answer.

 

At some point, Soonyoung started seeing Jeon Wonwoo, Junhui’s best friend. When Wonwoo confessed that the two were meeting outside of hours reserved for those who were just friends, Junhui couldn’t give him a ‘congratulations’, or even any sort of adequate reply. At first, he was in some stupor, unable to understand his own reaction to what unexpectedly unravelled in front of him. Then, as Soonyoung and Wonwoo became closer and increasingly bolder in showing their affections, Junhui started to recognize the small, unpleasant feeling stowed in the pits of his chest.

 

It was bitterness.

 

As Soonyoung wrapped an arm around Wonwoo’s waist and brushed aside his fringe, and as Wonwoo responded to the touchy gestures with a bashful smile, Junhui could feel the mild bitterness inside him churn, slowly expanding to his gut. For some reason, he didn’t like Soonyoung being around his best friend. Perhaps it was because Junhui knew that in precisely a week, Wonwoo would be single and heartbroken, and Junhui didn’t want to see such a sad sight. It was inevitable at this point, knowing how easily Wonwoo fell in love, and how easily Soonyoung found another. And knowing Wonwoo meant that Junhui knew how much Wonwoo believed in love, and how it mattered more to him than anything anyone ever had to say. Wonwoo wouldn’t have taken Junhui’s advice telling him not to get too attached, and so Junhui never gave it.

 

Maybe if he had verbalized the words, he would have been able to heed his own.

 

“I’m not really sure if we’re meant to be together.”

 

Junhui stopped chewing his sandwich when he heard Wonwoo’s statement. When these words were coming from Wonwoo, who fell upside-down and sideways head-over-heels in love with anyone he has ever dated, Junhui couldn’t trust that his ears were functioning properly. He wondered if he had imagined the soft-spoken words coming from his friend’s mouth, or if his chewing had deformed the words as they entered his ears.

 

“Why?” he asked anyways, still unsure of if Wonwoo had _actually_ hinted that his current relationship was in danger of sinking.

 

“There’s something… missing. I feel like there’s a one-sided mirror between us. It’s like I see us both, but Soonyoung doesn’t always see me. I keep trying to break down the mirror to get closer to him, but it’s like he doesn’t even know I try. Don’t get me wrong, he’s really nice, and I like him a lot. Not to mention he’s great in bed. He’s just all around a great guy, but...” Wonwoo sighed as he looked his friend in the eye. “He doesn’t love me, Junhui.”

 

Junhui swallowed the bite of food he had in his mouth, too dry for the amount of time it had been in there. He put down his sandwich, appetite gone when he could see the reddening of Wonwoo’s eyes and nose, a tear dropping with a choke.

 

“He doesn’t love me,” Wonwoo barely managed to repeat before he burst into voiceless tears. The walking mine that some were worried about when it came to Soonyoung, Junhui saw go off with his own eyes. It was then that he understood why some were so wary of him. It was because Soonyoung was the dangerous one, but unknowingly so, which meant that those around him were the ones to get hurt. Soonyoung had a wall around him, and that same wall protected him from the mines he set off while as he lured in lovers, as he lured in prey.

 

Junhui shushed his friend, encasing him in a comforting hug. He felt his shoulder become warm and wet as Wonwoo laid his head on it, hiccupping as Junhui patted his back. The boy’s tears were dissolving away the bitterness Junhui stubbornly held towards Wonwoo’s relationship, and were instead filling his heart with sorrow, and then later, vengeance. Who was Soonyoung to lead a hopeless romantic, so completely deserving of the true love he believed in, to a relationship that was sure to fail? Why had Junhui, who knew long before of their fate, not expressed his disapproval of their relationship when it started? Why couldn’t Junhui have protected his fragile friend from the frivolous boy who had no sense of loyalty?

 

And so Junhui started watching the blond in the hallways in animosity.

 

He watched him closely, scrutinizing every move, feeling a rattling frustration swell every time he saw the boy wink or smirk at the next victim to fall into his sweet trap. As the blond had his time with one boy and easily moved onto the next, and onto the next, Junhui watched. As the blond received crude comments and criticisms, and as he didn’t retaliate, Junhui watched. Even when Wonwoo had long forgiven Soonyoung, finding no fault in the boy’s inability to love him back, Junhui still watched.

 

He watched him to the point where he could recognize Soonyoung’s habit of running his hand through his hair when he was pleased, and his habit of tugging on his earlobe when he was thinking, and his habit of smiling extra widely when something was bothering him. It didn’t make sense, how Junhui was able to recognize which motion meant what, but after watching for so long, he seemed to understand it naturally.

 

But at what point was it that understanding Soonyoung made Junhui’s contempt for him turn into pity?

 

When was it that he realized that Soonyoung was pretending to be happier than he really was, and that there was a lack of sincerity in all of his actions? Rather than sincerity, there seemed to be desperation. For what, Junhui wasn’t sure. What was it that Kwon Soonyoung so desperately wanted that made him half-heartedly flirt with the majority of the school? What was the reason he decided to try something out with Wonwoo, and the transfer student, and the school’s top scoring student, and a member of the art club, and the student council’s vice president, and a benchwarmer of the soccer team? Just what was it that he was searching for in all these people?

 

Before he knew it, Junhui became just as desperate to find what it was that Soonyoung was seeking. Perhaps it was love? Perhaps Soonyoung was going through student after student to find the one his heart truly wanted? But that didn’t seem right. His eyes weren’t full of the hopeful love-stained gaze of someone searching for such. He recognized that look easily with Wonwoo, who wore such a stare every so often. Perhaps it was sex? Maybe Soonyoung was searching for the body most compatible with his? Maybe he had a never-ending hunger for sex, a libido that could not be tamed. But that didn’t explain why he seemed so sad. Behind the smile that artificially lit up the room like a cheap fluorescent bulb, Junhui could see a tear-stained face no mask could cover. But for some reason, Junhui seems to be the only one who noticed.

 

“I know you’ve watching me, Wen Junhui.”

 

“Kwon… Soonyoung?”

 

“Oh? So you know my name. There’s one thing we have out of the way.”

 

There it was again, that insincere smile that didn’t quite reach his alluring eyes, barely noticeable but surely there. Junhui was almost fooled, thinking that he must have thought wrong all this time, and that Soonyoung was genuinely smiling, but his instinct told him otherwise. Soonyoung wasn’t happy, and Junhui still didn’t know why. He wondered if he was Soonyoung’s next target, and if he was, if he could find out Soonyoung’s mysterious goal, assuming there was an objective to all of this. He also wondered if he should feel as hopeful as he did, in that maybe, Junhui had what what Soonyoung was looking for.

 

But since when did Junhui want for Soonyoung to want him?

 

“What do you want?”

 

He didn’t mean to sound so hostile, nor did even mean to ask such a question in the first place. It was just the burning question that he had been harboring silently, and it involuntarily escaped to the open when he suddenly had the chance to ask. Soonyoung didn’t seem to mind though.

 

“What do I want? Well, that’s straightforward, isn’t it? Well, to be blunt, I want sex.”

 

Junhui blinked.

 

“Huh? You want to have sex with me?”

 

It was expected and unexpected at the same time. It was a conclusion Junhui reached, that Soonyoung was searching for sex, but it was a conclusion Junhui hadn’t entirely committed into believing was true. Even now, just after Soonyoung announced it was what he wanted, there was a part of Junhui that didn’t believe him, particularly because he noticed the subtle swift tug of the ear. Soonyoung was thinking, but what was there to think about with such a direct exchange of question and answer?

 

“Don’t you feel the same? Don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you look at me. You want me, and it just so happens that I want you, too.”

 

“Well… I mean…”

 

“What? Am I wrong?”

 

“N-no, not… really… Don’t you think we should go on a date?”

 

Soonyoung scoffed.

 

“What are we, twelve? It’s sex, nothing complicated. I’m not asking you to date me, I’m asking you to sleep with me. And I’m fine with either answer, but of course I would prefer a ‘yes’.”

 

So Soonyoung wasn’t looking for someone to love. He wasn’t looking to have an emotionally bound relationship with someone. It was unfortunate, when Junhui found himself wanting to love him.

 

He hesitated, feeling more of a burn than what was intended when he heard that they wouldn’t be dating, nor would they get to know each other. Even if Soonyoung refused to love, would Junhui be okay with showering him in love without promise?

 

“I want to know you…”

 

Soonyoung smiled as he closed his eyes. “I would rather not be discovered.” He opened his eyes. “I guess we won’t work out.”

 

“I just want to know what you’re looking for, Soonyoung.”

 

He tugged on his ear. He was thinking again.

 

“I told you, I’m looking for sex.”

 

“...”

 

“I’m not as complex as you make me out to be. I just want to pleasure myself. That’s all.”

 

Junhui watched as Soonyoung brushed past him, feeling lost in a maze called Soonyoung, more complex than he had originally thought.

 

“Then why do you look so sad?” he whispered to himself.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Wonwoo, you’ve gone on dates with Soonyoung, right?”

 

“Why are you asking? I thought you never wanted to talk about him again. Did something happen?”

 

“No, I, uh… I just… You know… I…”

 

“What? Are you interested in him now?”

 

Junhui let his head drop, being unable to look his friend, his _best_ friend, in the eye, knowing he was doing him wrong. But his interest… his feelings for Soonyoung were much larger in magnitude than his guilt towards his best friend. If he could control his feelings, he would have suffocated them with his own hands when he first noticed. Unfortunately, affection was never so easily tamed, more often than not raging more uncontrollably than a forest fire.

 

“Sorry. I know you liked him, and I’m being an ass of a friend… I just… there’s something about him and I feel like I can’t leave him alone… But if you want me to back off…”

 

Wonwoo smiled. “Don’t worry, I understand. He’s very charming. Too charming, really. It’s hard not to fall for him. No hard feelings.”

 

Junhui pouted to display his touched heart, and dipped down to hug Wonwoo’s abdomen tightly.  
  
“You’re the best, Wonwoo.”

 

Wonwoo patted his friend’s fluffy head of hair.

 

“I’m glad you realize it. So, what was it? You wanted to know if I went on dates with him?”

 

Junhui nodded, still holding onto Wonwoo’s waist.

 

“Hmmm. A date… If you count walking home together as a date, then sure. But other than that, I wouldn’t really say we did.”

 

“No? Did you want to?”

 

“Of course I did. You can’t really say you’re dating someone if you don’t go on dates with them. That’s why it’s called ‘dating’. But I guess if I think about it, I’m not even really sure we _were_ dating. We just kind of… had a thing? I guess I never really asked him to define our relationship more than just a relationship.”

 

“Do you think he’s like that with everyone else? Like he has a thing with someone for a little bit, and then he gets bored and decides he wants someone else or something..”

 

“I can’t say I know what’s in his head, but I don’t think he got bored of me. Soonyoung never dumped me, _I_ dumped _him_ . But that was because I wanted a relationship that felt more… loving. And sure, he didn’t love me, and I don’t think he ever expected to, but you can’t force that kind of feeling to happen. It doesn’t mean he was a bad person. He didn’t love me, but he didn’t make me feel like I was just anyone. He made me feel like Jeon Wonwoo, who was with Kwon Soonyoung. I felt like I was special, even if that wasn’t true. Maybe it was his way of compensating for his lack of emotion. Not that he didn’t have emotions, he was plenty emotional. He even cried when I dumped him, telling me that he felt guilty. Can you believe it? Out of the two of us, you would think _I_ would be the one to cry. But he wasn’t always there all the time, emotionally. Sometimes he was just in his own world, and I couldn’t bring myself to pull him out of it. Even when I thought I was the closest to him, I couldn’t bring him to _my_ world. We were two people in two planets, without a bridge to connect us. But still, I don’t regret any of it.”

 

Wonwoo’s eyes were mellow and reminiscent, no longer showing evidence of the long hours his heart cried. It was obvious that he had nothing against Soonyoung for their relationship that didn’t last, nor did he have anything against Junhui, who wanted to try winning Soonyoung for himself. It was times like these that Junhui was truly grateful to be able to call Wonwoo his best friend, even if Junhui didn’t deserve the title in return. He was grateful that the next time he saw Soonyoung, he could pursue him without holding back.

 

The next time he saw him, however, Soonyoung was already pursuing someone else.

 

When Junhui saw him link arms with the captain of the basketball team, his body reacted before his mind. He thought was that if he didn’t stop them now, he would have lost his only chance at ever trying anything. So, he moved while his mission was not yet impossible. As he tugged on Soonyoung’s free arm to pull the boy towards him, time seemed to slow down by a small fraction, even with his heart beating rapidly. He wasn’t as fazed by the basketball player’s irritated stare as he was by Soonyoung’s surprised face. It was a face he hadn’t seen before, and breaking away Soonyoung’s usual mask riled up Junhui such that he wanted to discover even more faces of him. It was only then that he realized how intense his feelings had gotten for Soonyoung, not realizing how rapidly it had snowballed to such an enormous size. There was no way he could let go of the opportunity in front of him now.

 

“I’ll do it. I’ll have sex with you. I don’t care if we don’t go on a date or anything, I just want to try something with you.”

 

The further surprised expression Junhui was looking for, it never appeared. Rather, a relieved smile did.

 

“I was almost expecting a love confession with the way you grabbed onto me.” He freed his other arm, ignoring the incredulous look on the athlete’s face, and linked arms with Junhui instead. “I won’t ask you why you changed your mind. I don’t need to know.”

 

Junhui was taken aback by the sudden skin contact, but he quickly relaxed into it. Or, at least he tried. His expression was calm and he was able to listen to Soonyoung talking about how he noticed Junhui from a while ago, but he could feel his core shake occasionally, and the movement, as hard as he tried to stop it, would transfer to his arm. He didn’t know if Soonyoung could tell, but neither of them talked about it.

 

Though it was pleasant, walking down the halls and making conversation, even though Junhui was right beside him, his soft touch tickling his skin, he felt as if  Soonyoung was somewhat distant. It was in part because they were strangers, of course. No matter how much Junhui knew Soonyoung, or thought he knew him, they were nothing more than strangers who who happened to have interest, albeit not shared, in each other. Soonyoung was interested in Junhui’s body, and Junhui was interested in Soonyoung's heart. Their goals were very different, but they were able to bring the two together, and that was a good enough first step for Junhui.

 

Still, he hadn’t expected the first step to be barely a baby step compared to the second, which was like a second, third and fourth step all in one. He had agreed to sleep with Soonyoung, but he didn’t realize the Soonyoung would interpret that as in it would happen _that night_. When the two walked back to Soonyoung’s home, Junhui expected to be off right after, but the blond practically dragged him in the house. He was pulled in so hastily that Junhui didn’t even have time to decline the invitation.

 

Then again, it was originally _he_ who invited Soonyoung. Soonyoung only accepted the offer all too quickly and offered his place just as fast.

 

Junhui looked around the plain, room without personality on its walls. There were no pictures, no posters, no bookshelves, no decorations whatsoever. There was a bed, a desk, and a chair. Junhui couldn’t find any part of Soonyoung in the room besides Soonyoung himself. He wondered if his room was an imitation of his heart.

 

His thoughts were interrupted when Soonyoung kissed him, having to raise himself up on his toes to reach Junhui’s lips. Junhui wrapped his arms around Soonyoung’s waist.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“I’m going to put in in.”

 

Junhui looked at Soonyoung’s face, flushed from arousal and hidden from embarrassment.

 

“Don’t _tell_ me, just do it.”

 

Soonyoung grabbed Junhui’s wrist as a plea to hurry. With Soonyoug’s beautiful bare body lain in front of him, a light film of sweat covering his sun-kissed skin, Junhui didn’t want to rush things. He wanted to slowly savor every reaction, every motion, and engrave into his memory every moment of this.

 

“Tell me if it hurts, okay?”

 

He pushed in slowly, wanting to give Soonyoung more pleasure than pain. He stopped when Soonyoung tensed, and continued when he relaxed. He paused, looking at Soonyoung for a signal to keep going. The blond looked incredibly alluring, his eyed hooded and his mouth agape, a small groan escaping.

 

“I’m going to move now.”

 

When Soonyoung nodded, Junhui started moving slowly, in and out. He watched for every reaction and change in expression, wanting to know what he looked like when he felt good. He wanted to discover all of his sweet spots and weaknesses and abuse them to drive him mad for Junhui.

 

But Soonyoung seemed to be driven mad already, begging for Junhui to go harder and faster.

 

“Junhui.”  
  
Hearing his name gasped out almost made him lose control. He never realized how much more difficult it was to control himself when he was with someone he truly cared for, and maybe even loved.

 

“Faster… go faster. Please…”

 

Soonyoung’s begs were making Junhui dizzy, but he wanted this to be done right. He wanted to make love, not just have sex. He wanted to be able to convey his feelings through the motions of his body, in case Soonyoung didn’t believe his words.

 

“Junhui, please… don’t be so gentle… Go harder, please, I’m begging you…”

 

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

The next turn of events shocked Junhui to the point where he felt like he messed up. He was doing something very wrong. Soonyoung’s lips formed a frown, and his voice started to shake.

 

“You’re hurting me, Junhui. It hurts.”

 

Junhui stopped his motions, and Soonyoung’s eyes turned wet with tears.

 

“Don’t stop. Fuck… This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

 

Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe this was all a mistake.

 

“Why are you crying?”

 

“You’re being too gentle… it hurts…”

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

Soonyoung grit his teeth, snarling at a startled Junhui.

 

“You’re fucking _fucking_ me like you fucking _love_ me. Fuck me like you’re _fucking_ me.”

 

“That’s not the point of having sex…”

 

“Yes it is! The point of sex is to have sex, what else?”

 

“When people want to express their love-”

 

“Bullshit. Love is bullshit.”

 

Soonyoung looked incredibly defensive, like a cornered wolf, shivering and baring its teeth. He seemed so vulnerable, and all Junhui wanted to do was to comfort him.

 

“But what if I love you?” Junhui blurted without thinking.

 

“Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Don't you _dare_ love me. Don’t you fucking dare. I don't want to be loved, Junhui. Never again. So don't you dare.”

 

There was both sadness and fear behind those words. Soonyoung was afraid of love. He was hurt by it. Junhui started to understand.

 

“Fuck me. Junhui… fuck me hard…”

 

“I don't want to hurt you.”

 

“Please… It'll hurt less than it does now.”

 

That did it. That drove Junhui to let go of his self-control and allow for his lust take over. He thrust faster and harder, just like Soonyoung had asked for, but Soonyoung had been wrong. It was equally, if not more painful this way, at least for Junhui. He could see he was hurting him physically and emotionally, and there was no way Soonyoung was enjoying it as much as he let on. Junhui felt his chest throb, the action becoming too painful for his heart, but it was too late to stop. He could no longer control his body and was merely running on instinct. He could feel his mind retract, his unconscious mind trying to protect him from the mistake of that night, and he wondered if Soonyoung’s mind was doing the same. He thrust harder in frustration, his own tears blurring Soonyoung's face, saving him from the pitiful sight that he caused. The sight of a beautifully arousing, but heart wrenchingly painful expression of a boy who was too small to carry such sadness. If Junhui had it his way, he would take some of that sadness away from Soonyoung and place them on his own shoulders, which we're broader and stronger and much more capable of holding heavy loads.

 

But no one ever really gets their way. That was the last time the two exchanged words.

 

Junhui had only wanted to know more about Soonyoung, being taken in by the mystery of the contradiction between his smile and his sad eyes. He wanted to love Soonyoung, and to give him something to sincerely smile about. But he didn’t realize how much he underestimated the hardness of Soonyoung’s outer shell, coated in vibrant red poison as a form of protection. Like a naive child who didn’t know how to control his curiosity, Junhui had ignored the brightly colored warning sign, viewing them as more of a wonder, and tried to have a taste. He ended up impatiently using his teeth to try to get to the center, and foolishly ended hurting both himself and Soonyoung with because of the delusion that he had the power and will to heal him.

 

They say you grow stronger when you learn from your mistakes, but Junhui felt his himself crumble every time he passed Soonyoung in the hallway acting as if the two never happened. It hurt knowing that Junhui didn’t make a difference in the way Soonyoung lived his life, while Soonyoung branded _his_ heart with a permanently tear-stained scar. When Soonyoung decided to step out of Junhui’s life when he had _just_ entered it, he left a shard of himself behind. A shard Soonyoung didn’t care for, but a shard that kept kept stabbing Junhui in his side as he breathed, not allowing his open wound to recover. He was bleeding out, and he didn’t know if he would ever be willing to stitch himself up, some part of him believing it was karma for his all his shortcomings as a lover and as a friend.

 

Kwon Soonyoung was someone Junhui easily spotted in a crowd, even though his hair was now a darker brown. The familiar motions drew his attention to the boy who was always with another unfamiliar target. He watched him with sorrowful eyes that mirrored Sooyoung's, always regretting but unwilling to forget. It was love. Junhui had loved him.

 

But Kwon Soonyoung didn’t want to be loved.


End file.
